![]() Perhaps we're trying too hard and maybe Rockstar is not clever or postmodern or satirical or anything at all like that. Perhaps it is about perception and reality, and Chad thinks he's the first celebrity ever to play a character in public. So is Chad attempting to satirise his peers without realising he's as bad as they are? Or is it self-analytical? Is this a song in which Chad admits he is a pillock? Or, is this self-styled everyman singing a cautionary tale for the kids, and is this "this is what you'll become" ditty an attempt to put people off stealing Nickelback's crown? (This was before he was charged with drunk driving in 2006.) The character in Rockstar also claims "I'd even cut my hair and change my name" Chad's real name is Chad Turton. Is this song a satire, and if so, what does it seek to satirise? "I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs," Chad (or Chad's 'character') notes Chad's already been on Cribs, showing off platinum discs around the pool table and a collection of sports cars. It's a Smack The Pony skit without the laughter track ironic, given that Rockstar is one of the most unintentionally hilarious songs of the last few years. And so it continues, for more than four horrifying minutes. ![]() "The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap, we'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat". "Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars, and live in hilltop houses driving 15 cars," Chad sings. With trademark Nickelback subtlety, Rockstar is about being a rock star. The B-52s' Love Shack has a full three seconds before it really gets going even some terrorist organisations offer some sort of tip-off. This sound of hell opening up offers the listener no safety zone in which to leap towards their radio's off switch in a slow-mo "NOOOOOO!!!!!" fashion. Its most terrifying feature is in its first millisecond, in that Chad's vocals appear completely without warning. So, in case you are not aware of this song's charms, simply imagine a Nickelback song, but worse. The fact that Rockstar has already spent over two months on the chart and is currently at No 3 also cements the theory that the worse a Chad Kroeger single is, the better it performs - this is in line with the Spider-Man soundtrack single Hero (fairly terrible) selling fewer copies than How You Remind Me (very terrible). The worst Nickelback song of all time is, of course, their current hit, Rockstar. Some absolutes may never be pinpointed, but there is now finally an answer to one of pop's most enduring mysteries: what is Nickelback's worst song? The most ridiculous-looking pair of shorts. The most disgusting dish featuring kiwi fruit. But if you’re reading this because you are in fact a Nickelback apologist like myself, try “ San Quentin,” the lead single from Get Rollin’.The most disorganised live broadcast featuring Fearne Cotton. ![]() But perhaps it’s fitting for their latest album, Get Rollin’, which has a surf-inspired drawing of a beach van on the cover, another example of aesthetic hodgepodge from the band everybody loves to hate. It feels as if you’re listening to a bastardized memory of a memory of a memory, so separated from the actual content that, to paraphrase another low-tier butt-rock band, everything becomes blurry. With interjections that sound like the band is just scrolling through titles on their iPod (or, more appropriately, their Walkman) - “‘Ace of Spades,’ by Motörhead” is a lyric that has even less context in the song - it’s kind of sad to listen to. Remember dialing *69? Or watching Nightmare on Elm Street? Or even just the band Guns N’ Roses? In it, Kroeger gets nostalgic for his youth, naming cultural touchstones of the ’80s as if he were reading out the billboards on the side of the highway. If you’ve ever thought, Man, I really love “1985,” by Bowling for Soup, but wish it was Chad Kroeger waxing poetic instead, then boy, do I have the song for you! The latest single from Canada’s least favorite butt-rock band is “These Days,” the spiritual successor to the megahit “Rockstar” and the sonic equivalent of listening to your dad’s childhood buddies talk about the so-called good ol’ days. Photo: Brill/ullstein bild via Getty Images ![]()
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